Q and A based approach to problematic behaviors in a child

Question :  My son , 10 years old has not been doing well in his studies upto my satisfaction. I feel he has the capacity to excel and put in more hard work , but he does not do so. He is developing to be very defiant and tends to oppose everything I say and has become very rebellious over past few months. He hardly studies but tends to spend more time at play and when we remind him that he needs to study more, he shouts back and closes his room and gets aggressive. He has started picking up quarrels with elders if they correct him. He has also become retaliatory, back answers, disobeys and is very disrespectful in his attitude towards elders. He was not like this a year ago. He was very sweet, obedient and hardworking child and now there are so many complaints coming from relatives and teachers regarding his behavior. I am really concerned about his behavior.  Can I just ignore it and be hopeful that it will become better with time. Can it get worse with time if left the same. Kindly guide me- (A concerned parent) 

Answer:

Dear parent,

It seems that your child is in some genuine distress. Empathize with your child.  Be supportive. Kindly do not judge your child or become more hostile to your child. Kindly understand your child that he is going through some problem which needs attention from a mental health perspective.  It seems that your child is experiencing some emotional and behavioral problems which needs to be evaluated so that your child can be helped better. It could be an indicator of oppositional defiance disorder in the child. His problems with studies also needs to be evaluated whether it is some problem in his level of intelligence or his attention span or learning difficulties or his behavior that is leading to his poor performance in studies. It is not good to ignore it as in many cases there is an established concept of psychological progression where in a simple behavioral problem in a child if left unattended can lead to oppositional defiance disorder which can lead to conduct disorder which can further lead to a personality disorder in adulthood. It can also if ignored  complicate into depression, substance abuse, educational drop outs and underachievement. Moreover he maybe having some psychological conflicts at home or with peers or at school which are unexpressed to his caregivers and are manifesting as behavioral problems at home .  Kindly consult a psychiatrist who shall clinically evaluate the child and plan certain investigations and psychological tests based on his clinical condition. He will definitely need behavior therapy and you as parents shall certainly benefit from parenting guidance in context of his behavioral problems. He shall benefit from a multidisciplinary approach comprising of psychiatrist, psychologist, educational counselor, etc to holistically cater to his emotional, behavioral and educational needs.

Am I parenting right? Am I parenting wrong? Myths and facts about parenting !

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• Myth 1: Parenting requires no skills!  Everyone does parenting right way all the time!
• Reality 1 : Parenting is a complex dynamic process requiring  constant hard work, skills and improvisation in today's challenging and advancing world. Parenting definitely is an anthropological evolutionary phenomena which has evolved around the ages! Of course, there is an instinctual biological phenomena in child rearing, yet social and individual factors play a holistic overlay. Every parent wants to be the best parent to his or her child and puts in his or her best shot . Yet, in the complex world we live in, struggling with jobs, finances, stress, etc parents can also make some mistakes in parenting unknowingly !  Parents may sometimes unknowingly displace their own stress on the child by getting angry, not being emotionally responsive, being hostile to the child, etc. Many parents struggle to strike the right balance in their personal and professional lives while parenting effectively. Everyone tries their best to do it right, however sometimes parenting can go wrong as well! 
• Myth 2: Parenting the child is a Mom's job Always !
• Reality 2: These are common expectations in a traditional society where the mother cares and rears the young ones and does the household chores and the expected role of the father is on earning money and providing basic necessities such as food, clothing, shelter, etc for the family. However, in today's modern times when both the father and the mother may need to work and earn money, it is very vital that fathers take on an equally important role in parenting and child rearing. 
• Myth 3: I send my child to the best costliest school so  I am the best  parent! Do I need to do anything more?
• Reality 3:  A mentality which some parents have is to expect that sending a child to the costliest available school is equivalent to being the best parent! They do not want to do anything more than that and according to their mentality they feel that as they are paying huge fees hence its only the school's job to cater for the development of the child. Some of these parents in this process may forget their own role of  providing values, teaching concepts of good and bad, disciplining, etc unknowingly! Its certainly good that you are able to provide for good quality schooling for your child . However, kindly do not forget your own duties in terms of spending quality time with your child, enriching your emotional bond with your children, caring and loving them irrespective of whichever type of school you send your child to!
• Myth 4 : Good parenting means buying lots of costly gadgets, clothes, gifts, etc for your children! 
• Reality4:    A common mistake is to substitute the lack of time spent with the child with costly, expensive gadgets and gifts for the child to make up. Your child needs you and your love more than anything in the world! Not your money!
• Myth 5 : Parents are always right! Child is always wrong! I am the parent! I know whats best for my child always all the time ! 
• Reality 5: Certain parents can have some rigid ideas such as that only they are right! Others are wrong when it comes in terms of their child! They also think that whatever decisions they make are the best decisions all the time across all stages of development for the child. There are different stages of physical, social, cognitive, emotional development in a child across different periods of infant, toddler, preschooler, school going, adolescent, etc. As the child start growing towards adolescent and then subsequently towards adulthood, parents need to introduce concepts of autonomy, collaborative decision, alternate thinking pathways, critical thinking, etc and show respect towards the child inputs, intelligence , emotions, etc and involve children and adolescents by seeking their thoughts and inputs. You might be in for a big surprise to know how much your teenager knows as well on these worldly matters! Certain matters like choice of higher education and  career decision may need a collaborative decision making. A parent deciding a career for  a child assuming the parent's view is supreme  may lead to problems in the child  especially if the child felt that he or she was  not willing for that career right from the beginning for that!